The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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