Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
As shirtless as possible
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
