the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
