I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
