I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
