ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
