Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
