Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
