M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
