i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
it glows. i had to have it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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