im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize