sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
