I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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