Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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