I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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