Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
and you fell through a lawn chair
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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