my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
