Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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