I have demons in me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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