I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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