have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
