I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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