I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
