I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
