Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
