i was born a porn star she said
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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