these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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