i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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