I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
