glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
