mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
