Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
