Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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