i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
