the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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