great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
