I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
