im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
