and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
