I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
