Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
