I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
