I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Never joke about your clitoris.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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