i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
