So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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