I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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