Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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