Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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