We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
