new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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