and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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