I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
