when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize