I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so that wasnt chicken after all
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
