she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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