im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
