When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
