she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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