GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
