Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize